Wow, I feel like it's been such a long time since I blogged. I think I started, then abandoned, at least a half-dozen posts in the last week. Fear is so effective at paralyzing my tongue. I wanted, more than anything, to give voice to all the worries plaguing my mind. But to even think them--let alone write them down and commit them to record--would surely open the door for my fears to be realized. At least, that was another fear added to the already-long list.
Now, today, I am less afraid. I think in large part the fear stemmed from the innate knowledge that one, or more, of the embryos was failing last week. I have no solid proof of this, just intuition--the same intuition that has always guided me through the last hours of a chemical pregnancy. The initially high betas and their very slow doubling are the most compelling evidence I have, but even without that, I would trust my inner sense. I have learned at least that much through my infertility and miscarriage travails. This, perversely, makes me proud--but what a shame that it should take such an ordeal to teach me to tap into my deeper wisdom. Better late than never, I guess.
In good news, my betas finally started doubling, and are now doubling beautifully. We had a five-week ultrasound yesterday and *maybe* saw a sac, but nothing definitive. Next Friday, at the six-week ultrasound, we should know more. For now, I feel confident and happy. I feel pregnant! And I love being pregnant. I don't even mind the exhaustion or the incredibly sore breasts or the daily vomiting (sometimes twice or thrice daily, ugh). I have longed for this. Since my 12-week miscarriage I have desperately missed the wondrous feeling of growing new life within me. I missed it so dearly that it became as much a constant and essential part of me as the beating of my heart. It is the greatest gift, the highest privilege, that I could ever desire, and I will never, ever take it for granted.
I love that little life. I love that bond that we have already formed, that bright spark connecting mother and child. I know that s/he will grow and thrive within me for as long as possible, hopefully for a good nine months. But if something should go wrong, this time right now will be the only chance I had at mothering him or her in this realm. I am trying my best not to waste a moment of this time on fear or doubt. Whatever the future may hold, right now, I am pregnant. Right now, our child grows within me. And I love him or her with all my heart and soul.

